Quotes Roundup- Spring 2008

oops!  i’m a little late on this one, but…

every three months i post a lump of good quotes i heard/read during the season (click on the category ‘quotes‘ on my sidebar to see my on-going collection). so, here are the quotes i’ve rounded up during this year’s spring season!

the first bunch came from mike‘s blog:

Bart Simpson:

Phew I’m glad we came to our senses and worship a 2.000 year old carpenter.

Bill Hicks:

If I thought the Jews killed God, I’d worship the Jews.

Woody Allen:

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Homer Simpson:

Suppose we’ve chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we’re just making him madder.

Homer Simpson:

I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, save me Superman!

Joseph Lewis:

Atheism has given to the human race the intellectual monarchs of the world. When the great Darwin discovered the law of the origins of species, he was called an Atheist because he disproved the special creation of Man. When the Chemist went into his laboratory and discovered the indestructibility of matter, he was called an Atheist because he proved the impossibility of a Creator. When the Astronomer pointed his telescope toe sky and explored the regions of unlimited space, he was called an Atheist because he found no God within the confines of space, no heaven within the region of his explorations. When the Geologist determined the age of the earth through its rock and soil and formations, he was called an Atheist because he, too, destroyed a belief in the special six-day creation, and exposed the falsity of the biblical cosmogony. When the Historian went back to ancient and prehistoric times, and discovered civilizations of high ethical and moral culture, of intellectual achievements that are still an amazement to us, he was called an Atheist because he exposed the myth of Adam, uncovered the mistakes of Moses, and branded with the epithet of fraud the commands of Jehovah. When the Physician sought to alleviate the pain and suffering of Man, he was called an Atheist because he refused to accept disease as a special visitation of a vengeful God.

a poem i enjoyed by cuttlefish:

In His Own Image

They say that God created Man
As part of an enormous plan,
And did so in His image, cos he loves us, every one.
When men of God discriminate
And treat their fellow men with hate
They do so with the knowledge it’s what Jesus would have done.
When righteous men, in righteous ways
Hate atheists, or Jews, or gays,
Or Muslims, pagans, redheads, southpaws, foreigners, or Voodoo
I know at first it may seem odd,
But clearly, you’ve created God
In your own image, when you find he hates the same folks you do.

“You can safely assume you have created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates the same people you do.” –Annie Lamott

more quotes from around the web…

“Timothy”, on the LDS “Church Scholar” Daniel C. Peterson:

I wrote a book on Book of Mormon evidences. It comes in paperback only and contains 300 blank pages. Its called “Evidences of Denial C. Peterson – or – Gullible’s Travels”. …a toilet paper manufacturer bought all 2000 copies.

Delos B. McKown:

The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.

Richard Dawkins:

During the minute that it takes me to compose this sentence, thousands of animals are being eaten alive, many others are running for their lives, whimpering with fear, others are slowly being devoured from within by rasping parasites, thousands of all kinds are dying of starvation, thirst, and disease. It must be so. If there ever is a time of plenty, this very fact will automatically lead to an increase in the population until the natural state of starvation and misery is restored.

Brigham Young, Mormon prophet:

[W]e are not capacitated to throw off in one day all our traditions, and our prepossessed feelings and notions, but have to do it little by little. It is a gradual process, advancing from one step to another; and as we layoff our false traditions and foolish notions, we receive more and more light, and thus we grow in grace; […]. (Journal of Discourses 2:309-318).

Albert Einstein:

the word god is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. no interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this.

Christopher Hitchens:

What can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof.

John Adams:

The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion.

Isaac Asimov:

Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.

Don Hirschberg:

Calling atheism a religion is like calling bald a hair color.

Carlespie McKinney:

Religion does three things quite effectively: divides people, controls people, and deludes people.

Robert G Ingersoll:

Why should I allow that same God to tell me how to raise my kids, who had to drown His own?

Here’s a nifty list of funny bumper stickers, aphorisms or atheist slogans about religion:

  • Blasphemy is a victimless crime.
  • Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers
  • Honk If Your Religious Beliefs Make You An Asshole
  • Don’t pray in my school, and I won’t think in your church.
  • Intelligent Design Makes My Monkey Cry
  • Thank God I’m an Atheist.
  • Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.
  • There’s A REASON Why Atheists Don’t Fly Planes Into Buildings
  • If you think god is your co-pilot, try letting him land the plane.
  • “Worship Me or I Will Torture You Forever. Have a Nice Day.”­ God.
  • If Jesus is inside me, I hope he likes fajitas ’cause that’s what he’s getting!
  • Gods Don’t Kill People. People Who Believe in God Kill People.
  • If There is No God, Then What Makes the Next Kleenex Pop Up?
  • He’s Dead. It’s Been 2,000 years. He’s Not Coming Back. Get OVER It Already!
  • All religion is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry – Edgar Allen Poe.
  • Viva La Evolución!
  • Praying is begging
  • Actually, If You Look It Up, The Winter Solstice Is The Reason For The Season
  • I Wouldn’t Trust Your God Even If He Did Exist
  • Cheeses Is Lard. Argue With THAT If You Can.
  • The difference between a cult and a religion is the amount of real estate controlled.
  • People Who Don’t Want Their Beliefs Laughed at Shouldn’t Have Such Funny Beliefs
  • Jesus is Coming? Don’t Swallow That.
  • Threatening Children With Hell Is FUN!
  • Jesus Told Me Republicans SUCK
  • God + Whacky Tobacky = Platypus
  • God Doesn’t Exist. So, I Guess That Means No One Loves You.
  • When the Rapture Comes, We’ll Get Our Country Back!
  • Q. How Do We Know the Holy Ghost Was Catholic? A. He Used the Rhythm Method Instead of a Condom.
  • You Say “Heretic” Like It Was a BAD Thing
  • And God said unto His followers, ‘Get on your knees and prey.’
  • Creationism: Holy Shit!
  • I Love Christians. They Taste Like Chicken.

  • How many prophets does does it take to make a profit?
  • Science: It Works, Bitches.
  • “Intelligent Design” Helping Stupid People Feel Smart Since 1987
  • I Found God Between The Sheets
  • I Gave Up Superstitious Mumbo Jumbo For Lent
  • My Flying Monkey Can Beat Up Your Guardian Angel
  • Every Time You Play With Yourself, God Kills a Kitten
  • If God Wanted People to Believe in Him, Then Why Did He Invent Logic?
  • Praying Is Politically Correct Schizophrenia
  • ALL Americans Are African Americans
  • I Forget – Which Day Did God Make All The Fossils?

  • I Was An Atheist Until The Hindus Convinced Me That I Was God
  • The Spanish Inquisition: The Original Faith-based Initiative
  • If we were made in his image, then why aren’t humans invisible too?
  • JESUS SAVES….You From Thinking For Yourself
  • How Can You Disbelieve in Evolution If You Can’t Even Define It?
  • Q. How Can You Tell That Your God is Man-made? A. If He Hates All the Same People You Do.
  • Every Time You See a Rainbow, God is Having Gay Sex
  • I Went to Public School in Kansas and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt and a Poor Understanding of the Scientific Method.
  • WWJD = We Won. Jesus Died.
  • Religion: the origional pyramid scheme.
  • The Family That Prays Together is Brainwashing the Children
  • Oh, Look, Honey Another Pro-lifer For War
  • Another Godless Atheist for Peace and World Harmony
  • God is Unavailable Right Now. Can I Help You?
  • When Lip Service to Some Mysterious Deity Permits Bestiality on Wednesday and Absolution on Sundays, Cash Me Out. Frank Sinatra.
  • No Gods. No Mullets.
  • When you kill one man you’re a murderer, a bunch you’re a psycho, thousand and you’re a hero, millions you’re a conqueror and if you kill them all… you are God!
  • Transubstantiation: Just say no to cannibalism.
  • Anything God can’t do we can do better.
  • Atheist: a man who sells his soul to get money to give to the needy; theist; one who takes from the needy to protect his soul.
  • Evangelical Agnostic: God? I don’t know and neither do you. God? I don’t care and neither should you.
  • The clergy build castles in the sky; the religious live in them and the rest of us have to pay their rent.
  • As an atheist, I condemn your religion, not you; now, do you condemn me?
  • As an atheist, I am more compassionate than your God.
  • Relax. We did not suffer before our births and we can’t suffer when we’re gone.
  • I wouldn’t send God to hell, if i could, but I would commit Him.
  • If evil exists there is nothing that can be done about it, but if suffering is only caused by ignorance, then there is true hope.
  • We think, therefore there is hope.
  • Good does not require religion, but it is threatened by it.
  • All religious extremism begins as religious moderation.
  • Most religions preach tolerance until one of them gets the upper hand.
  • A fool is guided by religion; the wise question it, and politicians abuse it.
  • Faith is the refusal to see reality. Sanity is the insistence on reality.
  • Believers made God in their image: violent and irrational.
  • God created fossils as a way to test our faith.


Is the holy loved by gods because it is holy? Or is it holy because it is loved by the gods?


Two hands working can do more than a thousand clasped in prayer.

Steven Novella, on Faith:

I may suggest that it is a flawed strategy for the faithful to confront non-believers with logic. That is not a field of combat they wish to take – as evidenced by Rhode’s effort. Talk about bringing a pea-shooter to a gun fight.

To be clear, I have nothing against people of faith – as long as they keep their faith, faith. But “logical evidence for faith” is an oxymoron. Once you enter the arena of evidence or logic – prepare for a smackdown.

Bruce Willis:

Organized religions in general, in my opinion, are dying forms. They were all very important when we didn’t know why the sun moved, why weather changed, why hurricanes occurred, or volcanoes happened. Modern religion is the end trail of modern mythology. But there are people who interpret the Bible literally. Literally! I choose not to believe that’s the way. And that’s what makes America cool, you know? (interview, George magazine, July 1998)

Albert Einstein:

Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth.

David Hume:

No testimony is sufficient to establish a miracle, unless … its falsehood would be more miraculous than the fact which it endeavors to establish.

Andy Rooney:

Everyone is born atheist, no one is born with a belief in anything. […or, atheism is the default position for man]

Bertrand Russell:

We may define “faith” as the firm belief in something for which there is no evidence. Where there is evidence, no one speaks of “faith.” We do not speak of faith that two and two are four or that the earth is round. We only speak of faith when we wish to substitute emotion for evidence.

Dan Barker:

You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help?

Benjamin Franklin:

The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason.

Carl Sagan:

You can’t convince a believer of anything; for their belief is not based on evidence, it’s based on a deep seated need to believe.

Sigmund Freud [thoughts shared by my brother]:

It would be very nice if there were a God who created the world and was a benevolent providence, and if there were a moral order in the universe and an after-life; but it is a very striking fact that all this is exactly as we are bound to wish it to be.

Charles Darwin [one of my top favorite quotes of all time]:

It has often and confidently been asserted, that man’s origin can never be known: but ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge: it is those who know little, and not those who know much, who so positively assert that this or that problem will never be solved by science.

…From the Ethical Atheist website come the following great quotes:

Thomas Paine, “The Age of Reason”:

Whenever we read the obscene stories, the voluptuous debaucheries, the cruel and tortuous executions, the unrelenting vindictiveness with which more than half the Bible is filled, it would be more consistent that we call it the word of a demon than the word of God. It is a history of wickedness that has served to corrupt and brutalize mankind; and, for my part, I sincerely detest it, as I detest everything that is cruel.

Robert G. Ingersoll:

Call me infidel, call me Atheist, call me what you will, I intend to so treat my children that they can come to my grave and truthfully say, ‘He who sleeps here never gave us one moment of pain. From his lips, now dust, never came to us an unkind word.

Compare that statement with the words of Jesus Christ, and then decide whose mantle you prefer to wear, when he said:

For I come to set man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: he that loveth his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.”
(Matthew 10, 35, 37).

Carl Sagan:

I would love to believe that when I die I will live again, that some thinking, feeling, remembering part of me will continue. But as much as I want to believe that, and despite the ancient and worldwide cultural traditions that assert an afterlife, I know of nothing to suggest that it is more than wishful thinking.

Clarence Darrow:

Many Christians base the belief of a soul and God upon the Bible. Strictly speaking, there is no such book. To make the Bible, sixty-six books are bound into one volume. These books are written by many people at different times, and no one knows the time or the identity of any author. Some of the books were written by several authors at various times. These books contain all sorts of contradictory concepts of life and morals and the origin of things. Between the first and the last nearly a thousand years intervened, a longer time than has passed since the discovery of America by Columbus.

…finally men were saved only through God’s son dying for them, and that unless human beings believed this silly, impossible and wicked story they were doomed to hell? Can anyone with intelligence really believe that a child born today should be doomed because the snake tempted Eve and Eve tempted Adam? To believe that is not God-worship; it is devil-worship.

The fear of God is not the beginning of wisdom. The fear of God is the death of wisdom. Skepticism and doubt lead to study and investigation, and investigation is the beginning of wisdom. The modern world is the child of doubt and inquiry, as the ancient world was the child of fear and faith.

Judith Hayes:

The biblical account of Noah’s Ark and the Flood is perhaps the most implausible story for fundamentalists to defend. Where, for example, while loading his ark, did Noah find penguins and polar bears in Palestine?

Francis Bacon, back in 1605:

For myself, I found that I was fitted for nothing so well as for the study of Truth; as having a mind nimble and versatile enough to catch the resemblances of things … and at the same time steady enough to fix and distinguish their subtler differences; as being gifted by nature with desire to seek, patience to doubt, fondness to meditate, slowness to assert, readiness to consider, carefulness to dispose and set in order; and as being a man that neither affects what is new nor admires what is old, and that hates every kind of imposture.

the art of being right:

Or, more prosaically: critical thinking is the skillful application of a repertoire of validated general techniques for deciding the level of confidence you should have in a proposition in the light of the available evidence.

Daniel Patrick Moynihan:

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts.

Okay, that’s it for this roundup- see you next solstice!



3 thoughts on “Quotes Roundup- Spring 2008

  1. “If you love me then prove it … be my personal slave and prostrate yourself at my invisible feet, or, better yet, go get yourself killed while doing something you think I want you to do.”
    – Jesus (redux)

    “If you love somebody. Set them free.”
    – String (servant of satan)

    Mark, this post a trove of hearty goodness. Thanks!

  2. First there is god, he created the universe. Then comes Satan and his ultimate scheme… ignorance, arrogance and extremism.

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