Ten Verses Never Preached On

i would love to see a youtube video of someone citing a scripture from 6, 5, 3, or 1 during a talk at an LDS church!  or on someone’s “missionary plaque”.

Ten Verses Never Preached On

10. 2 Kings 2:23-24 NKJV

Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

Comments: George Costanza envokes the wrath of God.The BIBLE

9. Mark 14:51-52 NASB

A young man was following Him, wearing nothing but a linen sheet over his naked body; and they seized him. But he pulled free of the linen sheet and escaped naked.

Comments: Possibly the first streaker in history.

 

8. Deuteronomy 23:1 ESV

No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.

Comments: We can’t just be letting anyone in. We have to draw the line somewhere.

7. Genesis 38:8-10 NASB

Then Judah said to Onan, “Go in to your brother’s wife, and perform your duty as a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother.” Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother’s wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the LORD; so He took his life also.

Comments: Not only do you have to carry the body out, but you have to mop the floor too

!– google_ad_client = “pub-7327827629841611”; google_ad_width = 300; google_ad_height = 250; google_ad_format = “300x250_as”; google_ad_type = “text”; //2007-02-03: CH Indented google_ad_channel = “1136652541”; google_color_border = “FFFFFF”; google_color_bg = “FFFFFF”; google_color_link = “000066”; google_color_text = “000000”; google_color_url = “000000”; //–> 6. 1 Samuel 18:25-27 ESV

Then Saul said, “Thus shall you say to David, ‘The king desires no bride-price except a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, that he may be avenged of the king’s enemies.’” Now Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son-in-law. Before the time had expired, David arose and went, along with his men, and killed two hundred of the Philistines. And David brought their foreskins, which were given in full number to the king, that he might become the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him his daughter Michal for a wife.

Comments: How do you present a gift like that? Do you tie a bow on the box?

5. Exodus 4:24-25 NASB

Now it came about at the lodging place on the way that the LORD met him and sought to put him to death. Then Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son’s foreskin and threw it at Moses’ feet, and she said, “You are indeed a bridegroom of blood to me.”

Comments: I imagine the son was screaming in pain and Moses just kinda stared at it in disgust.Time for a New One

4. Ezekiel 16:17 NIV

You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.

Comments: What did she do with her gold and silver idols?

3. Ezekiel 23:19-20 NET

Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.

Comments: Can’t wait to hear this taught from a pulpit.

2. Judges 3:19-25 ESV

And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out.

Comments: Apparently the sword pierced all the way through and something unexpected came out the other side. The author felt this was a necessary detail to include.

1. Deuteronomy 25:11-12 NASB

If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.

Comments: My question is why would she do this and were there any repeat offenders?

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5 thoughts on “Ten Verses Never Preached On

  1. ROTFLMAOWTIME!

    this was realy hilarious, I bet my grandma wouldn’t beleive what her bible says about Onan and those silver and golden dildos … err… idols

  2. Actually, your #7 probably has been preached over the pulpit. Even though it pretty clearly describes an instance of primitive birth control, the scripture has often been cited as Biblical proof that masturbation is evil. Hence the euphemism “Onanism.”

    • I don’t think this passage is about masturbation at all. Onan had an obligation to produce a child for his now dead brother. If he doesn’t produce a son, then everything that belonged to his brother becomes his and his family’s. See Ruth. This story is more about greed than masturbation.

  3. well yes, of course: “every seed is sacred”.

    i am under the impression that female genital mutilation may have come from here as well (sex being strictly for procreation, not recreation). since islam and the ko’ran sprang from the old and even new testament, the idea for FGM had to come from somewhere originally and this may be it. imagine all the pain, mutilation, and feelings of unworthiness that have resulted from this very funny (and obviously fictional) old story.

    (watch mr. deity and the seed for a funny take on the story- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BqB9P7KLig )

  4. I remember reading the Onan story on my mission and thinking it was a funny (and obviously fictional) story. But I would have never thought that it had anything to do with masturbation. That seems like quite the extrapolation, but I guess that’s what happens when you need some justification for condemning the practice but don’t have much to work with. I agree that the story would be a lot funnier if I didn’t know how much unnecessary guilt (and sexual repression) it has caused over the years.

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