sometimes i want my “mo-ism” back…

from a quick note i wrote to a friend of mine:

[…]thanks again for keeping me posted with things.  i haven’t been keeping up with the mormon blogs/sites for quite a while now as i just got frustrated with it all.  but this week i’ve been wanting to have my mormon life back.  i want “guidance” again, i want “hope” that everything is happening for a reason and the comfort that comes with that ideology… but alas, i think it will never be.  i think there is truly no way at all. usually i’m totally fine with that and chipper but the last couple of days i’ve missed it- i’ve gotta admit.  i saw a sliver of possible supernatural inspiration a couple of days ago when i was waiting for my wife to come home and i imagined how horrible it would be if someone called me from the hospital telling me she was there from a car accident.  i took a nap and later woke up to her calling me, telling me that she had had an accident.  for some odd reason i want to believe that God was trying to speak to me through that, but i am too confident that the many-available natural explanations are better at explaining to me what happened.  how bleak.

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