from a quick note i wrote to a friend of mine:
[…]thanks again for keeping me posted with things. i haven’t been keeping up with the mormon blogs/sites for quite a while now as i just got frustrated with it all. but this week i’ve been wanting to have my mormon life back. i want “guidance” again, i want “hope” that everything is happening for a reason and the comfort that comes with that ideology… but alas, i think it will never be. i think there is truly no way at all. usually i’m totally fine with that and chipper but the last couple of days i’ve missed it- i’ve gotta admit. i saw a sliver of possible supernatural inspiration a couple of days ago when i was waiting for my wife to come home and i imagined how horrible it would be if someone called me from the hospital telling me she was there from a car accident. i took a nap and later woke up to her calling me, telling me that she had had an accident. for some odd reason i want to believe that God was trying to speak to me through that, but i am too confident that the many-available natural explanations are better at explaining to me what happened. how bleak.