George Carlin turns 70 today- Here are some of his best quotes!

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

I used to be Irish Catholic now I’m an American — you know you grow.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

It’s never just a game when you’re winning.

 Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

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