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Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category

friends, these are my most recent biannual quotes i have read and enjoyed; please comment if you also enjoy.  :)

Thomas Paine (via froggey):

Any system of religion that has anything in it that shocks the mind of a child, cannot be a true system.”

Goethe:

Nothing is worth more than this day.

Peter Walker:

The supreme arrogance of religious thinking: that a carbon-based bag of mostly water on a spec of iron-silicate dust around a boring dwarf star … would look up at the sky and declare, ‘It was all made so that I could exist!

H.G. Wells:

When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race”

Bertrand Russell:

Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.

Neil deGrasse Tyson:

The stars in the universe far outnumber all the words ever uttered by all the humans who have ever lived.

Aldous Huxley:

At least two-thirds of our miseries spring from human stupidity, human malice and those great motivators and justifiers of malice and stupidity: idealism, dogmatism and proselytizing zeal on behalf of religous or political ideas.

Brennen McKenzie:

If you try to picture a pack of Chihuahuas bringing down and savaging an elk, the impact of thousands of years of artificial selection is obvious.

John Cage:

I can’t understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I’m frightened of the old ones.

Bob McCue (oh, how i heart mister mccue):

The most satisfying aspect of parenthood so far has been witnessing my children come into their own as adults. Becoming friends with these surprising human beings is as fresh as life gets. In this and so many other ways, life is sweet. I am a lucky guy who spends most of each day feeling grateful.

R. Feynman:

Physics is like sex. Sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.

Gerald Massey

They must find it difficult, those who have taken authority as the truth, rather than truth as the authority.

Arthur C. Clarke (in his Third Law of Prediction):

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

John Erskine

Music is the only language in which you cannot say a mean or sarcastic thing.

Richard Dawkins:

Hydrogen is a tasteless, invisible gas – and if you give it enough time, it will turn into people.

Anon:

Every morning I wake up on the wrong side of Capitalism.

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Dwight D. Eisenhower:

In preparing for battle, I have found that planning is essential, but plans are useless.

Kail Nielson:

A man who says, “If God is dead, nothing matters,” is a spoilt child who has never looked at his fellow men with compassion.

Robert Green Ingersoll:

This crime called blasphemy was invented by priests for the purpose of defending doctrines not able to take care of themselves.

Dan Christiansen, BYU Student:

As a child, it seemed so simple;
Every step was clearly marked.
Priesthood, mission, sweetheart, temple;
Bright with hope I soon embarked.
But now I have become a man,
And doubt the promise of the plan.

For the path is growing steeper,
And a slip could mean my death.
Plunging upward, ever deeper,
I can barely catch my breath.
Oh, where within this untamed wild
Is the star that led me as a child?

As I crest the shadowed mountain,
I embrace the endless sky;
The expanse of heaven’s fountain
Now unfolds before my eye.
A thousand stars shine on the land,
The chart drafted by my own hand.

Sam Harris said that the timing of when young Earth creationists claim God created the Universe:

… is, incidentally, about a thousand years after the Sumerians invented glue. [Link goes to The Onion]

Robert Ingersoll:

Anger is a wind which blows out the lamp of the mind.

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every season i put out the best batch o’ comments that i’ve found in the last few months.  this edition may be my best yet!

Kirk Wilson

To say that the earth is only 6,000 years old is the mathematical equivalent of saying its radius is only 28 feet.

PZ Myers on an evolution-inspired school t-shirt:

Evolution is not a religion, no more than sky-is-blueism or gravityism or medicine or mathematics or their shop class. Would they shut down an auto repair class if an Amish family decried their heathen English ways? Pollitt is a pandering moron.

John Remy (from this personal, well-written post on his LDS ex-communication ritual):

Hopefully we’ll see each other as complex humans, worthy of compassion.  [there's a lot of wisdom in these words!]

George Hrab:

Is sex with your clone gay or just extroverted masturbation? (more…)

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a little late in posting this, but here goes!:

stephen hawking, der spiegel (17 october 1988):

we are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. but we can understand the universe. that makes us something very special.

Saki:

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.

Gerry Spence:

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

fred doyle:

Space isn’t remote at all. It’s only an hour’s drive away if your car could go straight upwards.

Tri-fecta of doubt….

Carl Sagan:

Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.

Marcello Truzzi:

Extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof.

Pierre-Simon Marquis de Laplace

The weight of evidence for an extraordinary claim must be proportioned to its strangeness.

Paul Bert :

Modern societies march towards morality in proportion as they leave religion behind.

Louis Pasteur

When I approach a child, he inspires in me two sentiments; tenderness for what he is, and respect for what he may become.

Charles Richet

I never said it was possible. I only said it was true.

Jean Rostand

I should have no use for a paradise in which I should be deprived of the right to prefer hell.

Jean Rostand

In order to remain true to oneself one ought to renounce one’s party three times a day.

Publilius Syrus:

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Dale McGowen (author of Raising Children Beyond Belief):

Much of the protest over “nonbeliever” is that it defines us in terms of religious believers. I care about this no more than the fact that “nonsmoker” defines me in terms of smokers and “non-idiot” defines me in terms of idiots. You don’t find many non sequiturs up in arms about being defined in terms of the hated sequitur, nor are the nondescript or noncommital often irate about comparisons to the descript and commital.

Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. seemed not to find their advocacy of nonviolence diminished by the lexical negation of violence. Nor does Nonviolent Peaceforce, the nonpartisan, nonprofit NGO (that’s “non-governmental organization”) for which I work. For each and all of these terms, the prefix is a non-issue.

So why do we continue to waste our pique on such terms as “nonbeliever” and “nonreligious”? I find them both useful and economical. Pile on your polysyllables and modifiers as you wish. I have things to do.

Jean Rostand

Kill a man, and you are a murderer. Kill millions of men, and you are a conquerer. Kill everyone, and you are a god.

Jean Rostand

Science has made us gods even before we are worthy of being men.

Jean Rostand

The divine is perhaps that quality in man which permits him to endure the lack of God.

Jean Rostand

When a scientist is ahead of his times, it is often through misunderstanding of current, rather than intuition of future truth. In science there is never any error so gross that it won’t one day, from some perspective, appear prophetic.

Alexis de Tocqueville

Consider any individual at any period of his life, and you will always find him preoccupied with fresh plans to increase his comfort.

He was as great as a man can be without morality.
Alexis de Tocqueville

History is a gallery of pictures in which there are few originals and many copies.
Alexis de Tocqueville

Slayer (lyrics):

Holy man open up your eyes
To the ways of the world you’ve been so blind
As the walls of religion come crashing down
How’s the ignorance taste the second time around

Tell me how it feels knowing chaos will never end
Tell me what it’s like when the celebration begins

Welcome to the horror of the revelation
Tell me what you think of your savior now
I reject all the Biblical views of the truth
Dismiss it as the folklore of the times
I won’t be force fed prophecies
From a book of untruths for the weakest mind
Join the new faith for the celebration
Cult of new faith fuels the devastation

[Read the complete lyrics]

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haha…twitter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTN9We8unmU

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‘lectuals

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this is just too damn funny Louis CK on Conan (10/1/08) discussing modern conveniences.

via toomanytribbles

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then

now

via the narrator

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recent videos on tina fey’s personal god-send, Sarah Palin:

…where she begs the question: “is she smarter than a 3rd grader?” here sarah kills the joke as she reiterates her previous “attempt at humor” as she describes her super-senatal powers as queen vp:

…OH, OH, the hypocrisy! who’s PALIN around with terrorists now?

dayum, you got schooled, p. and by the way- why don’t obama and anti-gay biden start throwing the feces back at her like olbermann does?

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Happy Autumn Equinox!

every three months i post a lump of good quotes i heard/read during the season (click on the category ‘quotes‘ on my sidebar to see my on-going collection). so, here are the quotes i’ve rounded up during this year’s summer season!

Dr. Perry Cox:

Lady, people aren’t chocolates.. Do you know what they are mostly?  Bastards.  Bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling.  But I don’t find them half as annoying as I find naive, bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.

Woody Allen:

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Joh Stewart:

Religion. It’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

Barack Obama:

If you get a federal grant you can’t use that grant money to proselytize to the people you help and you can’t discriminate against them – or against the people you hire – on the basis of their religion.

Richard Dawkins

What are all of us but self-reproducing robots? We have been put together by our genes and what we do is roam the world looking for a way to sustain ourselves and ultimately produce another robot child. (more…)

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many republicans and anderson cooper pooped on!

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog visits RNC:

triumph and global warming:

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oops!  i’m a little late on this one, but…

every three months i post a lump of good quotes i heard/read during the season (click on the category ‘quotes‘ on my sidebar to see my on-going collection). so, here are the quotes i’ve rounded up during this year’s spring season!

the first bunch came from mike‘s blog:

Bart Simpson:

Phew I’m glad we came to our senses and worship a 2.000 year old carpenter.

Bill Hicks:

If I thought the Jews killed God, I’d worship the Jews.

Woody Allen:

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Homer Simpson:

Suppose we’ve chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we’re just making him madder.

Homer Simpson:

I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, save me Superman! (more…)

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nice lil’ comic on the internet with some real gems in it!  http://www.viruscomix.com/things.html

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.this is my co-worker’s son terry at the laugh factory in california. he kills it on utah, mormons, jesus, beer, etc. you’ve been warned though: gets raunchy but funny.

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stuff i’ve found well worth the movement of a mouse, followed by a click:

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battle of the wits!  see if you can out-smart the smarmy atheist

link to game

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i thought these were…uhh… interesting.

enjoy.

(more…)

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doug stanhope

good stand-up on the bible, christians and death, and religion…

via atheist media

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funny vide0…

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did you serve an LDS mission? did you break any rules? of course you did! over at MormonMatters.org there’s a discussion going on where returned missionaries are “confessing”. it’s really funny to read other people’s lists of broken rules, sins, and indulgences (it’s funny how many list “drinking cola” since that’s supposed to be so bad). my list is below, if you have comments to add, i’d like to read them here.

(mission area: Brasilia, Brazil 2000-2002)

just off the top of my head:

  • listened to unapproved “EFY” music and got interviewed by my mish. pres. for it (yeah, weird, huh.)
  • had pictures of a cute pop star (Sandy) under my name tag.
  • was seduced by 2 different women who would nurse and not cover up after removing the baby (one told me she was seducing me, the other i may have just been reading into “the body language” a little too much).
  • had a buddha statue on my desk for a while- felt weird/dark and took it down when a companion complained.
  • waded my feet in water in a river in the jungle (satan could have swept me away but i was lucky)
  • had sleepovers with another zl friend and we’d rent 5-6 movies and watch them all in one go. did this 2-3 times.
  • semi-porn billboards and posters were everywhere in brazil, and i would “notice them” just a few seconds too long.
  • lied to mish pres. about having “clean hands”. he left it unclear, so i just took it literally and said they were clean (with a “duh” look on my face- “c’mon, pres.”)
  • played nintendo at a member’s house, watched the news during lunch at the bishop’s house, went to domino’s on sunday with a member who forgot to cook us a meal (i gave her a guilt trip and recommended she take us to the new domino’s that had just opened).
  • towards the end of my mission i purchased whatever CD’s i felt like from the mall and listened to them while i went to sleep (it ended up being mostly enya).

and last but not least:

  • tricked a greenie brazilian missionary into praying to joseph smith- complete with candles and photographs!

fun times!

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this pretty much sums it up in an intelligent, non-extreme way. for some reason i really enjoyed this comic- it shows many honorable attributes creationists have and that they really don’t have any misconceptions towards us infidels (link to comic; found via Pharyngula

read the rest of the comic here (it’s worth it)!

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masturbation warning

a discussion of the bakulum led to a discussion about masturbation. i thought it would be wise to alert the public about this warning from the American Medical Association, about the dangers of being a “wanka”: (more…)

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funny blog to check out…

#2 on “stuff white people like” is:

Religions that their parents don’t belong to (see post here).

White people will often say they are “spiritual” but not religious. Which usually means that they will believe any religion that doesn’t involve Jesus.

Popular choices include Buddhism, Hinduism, Kabbalah and, to a lesser extent, Scientology. A few even dip into Islam, but it’s much more rare since you have to give stuff up and actually go to Mosque.

Mostly they are into religion that fits really well into their homes or wardrobe and doesn’t require them to do very much.

#84 T-Shirts: (more…)

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hahha funny article- especially the second half.

original article (http://www.f-ckingc-nts.com.nyud.net:8080/ramble/10-things-every-adult-should-know) (more…)

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dayum. soccergirl’s the shiite.

Video: “Fuck You Fox News”

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i would love to see a youtube video of someone citing a scripture from 6, 5, 3, or 1 during a talk at an LDS church!  or on someone’s “missionary plaque”.

Ten Verses Never Preached On (more…)

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2 Kings 2:23-24: (more…)

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whoa.  today there was an earthquake here in utah.  actually it came from a little town in nevada but some felt it here in the holy town as well.  my mother called me an hour ago and asked if i had felt it.  i said “no”.  she happily reported that an ornament on her christmas tree was left swinging back and forth as a result.

my thoughts:

“why do you still have the christmas tree up, mom?”

other news- earthquakes ‘causing a ruckus’:

anti-gay protest jerusalemFor years scientists have been studying earthquakes and their causes to better predict them. This research alone could save thousands of lives each year. But after decades of scientific research in the US and abroad, progress has been slow at best. It appears that scientists, who have focused on tectonic plates and faults, have been barking up the wrong tree all along.

The cause of earthquakes is far less complicated than expected and has nothing to do with science. In a stunning discovery by Ultra-Orthodox Jews, the root cause of earthquakes has been traced to homosexuality! I know what you’re thinking… WOW how could we have missed that one!

Not convinced? I have two words for you… San Francisco.

Complete story here

via

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The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses

article image

If the Bible had been written by King Leonidas and the rest of the Spartans from 300, it would probably read pretty much the same as it does now. It turns out, the Bible is already chock full of ass kicking. Here are the verses that make us want to take to the streets and put some unbelievers to the sword.

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i don’t like (watching) sports- i don’t see many reasons too. i always use the line from an old mafia/gangster movie A Bronx Tale. The script goes something like this:

Mickey Mantle? That’s what you’re upset about? Mantle makes [tons of money every] year. How much does your father make?

- I don’t know.

You don’t know. If your dad needs money, go ask Mickey Mantle. See what happens. Mickey Mantle don’t care about you. Why care about him? Nobody cares.

The dialougue between the old-school gangster and his youngbuck (nephew?) continue: (more…)

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listening to episode 4 of the Reason Driven Podcast, i had the opportunity to listen to an out-spoken atheist named George Hrab. check out the interesting conversation and Hrab’s cool “heaven would be boring” song at the end of the podcast.  they also discuss the kurzweil’s theory on the singularity and where technology could take us, and how we’ll never be able to destroy this world (it would recover from probably anything we could do) but we could destroy ourselves one day.  a lot of interesting topics covered in this episode.

what i like most about this new podcast is that the hosts (or at least one of them) is new to freethinking after a year and a half of research into his own religion (fundamental christianity).  the questions he asks his guests a lot of the time sound like things i would be asking, too as i am also new to this world view.   give it a listen- start with episode 1 (my favorite so far).

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funny comedy

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  • The 5 Most Horrifying Bugs in the World
  • The largest penis in the world (in the animal kingdom)
  • Evol. A very well-shot video clip of two people who find each other in a backwards world.
  • grappa. click it- it’s really cool.
  • huge mouth
  • Big Fat Friday, at the Eight Hour Lunch blog. a small group of people online who will be sharing their diet and exercise progress. i’ll be joining them at keeping my New Year’s resolution!
  • the single biggest achievement in lifespan extension ever produced in an organism!
  • A short-range RF tranceiver in a ring. Shake hands with someone, and data transfer occurs: the particulars of one’s life, details that would, in a calmer world, be exchanged in but a few minutes’ conversation with a new friend or business acquaintance.Information_ringA short-range RF tranceiver in a ring. Shake hands with someone, and data transfer occurs: the particulars of one’s life, details that would, in a calmer world, be exchanged in but a few minutes’ conversation with a new friend or business acquaintance. Why talk when you have technology? Information Ring [via]
  • High-Tech Contact Lenses [May One Day] Give Superhuman Sight To Humans, Vorpal Bunnies
  • Crazy Christian lady goes gets belligerent in a coffee shop (video below) [via]

…Okay that’s seriously enuf for now- i think i’m going to play COD4.

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According to a study published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, rapid population growth is accelerating the evolutionary process.

via the onion

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Nigerian Scammer Gets Scammed!

this story is pretty long but WELL WORTH IT!  it’s about a Nigerian scammer who has to jump through a bunch of hoops in order to get his money, and ends up tatooed and broke!

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podcast-aholic

for the last couple of years i’ve listened to an hour or two of podcast-content almost daily. looking under Podcasts in iTunes, at noon-day today, Friday the 12th of October, 2007, it says i have a whopping “857 items”, or episodes (usually over an hour each, mind you), which comes to 20.4 non-stop days of pre-packaged, easily consumed nuggets of opinion, science and philosophy.  i’ll usually listen while driving my car, working out, or playing Halo.  it’s shaped my world-view more than anything else ever has.  anyways, i found this post interesting and funny.  Kirk is a badass and he’s right-on in this post:

In this modern age of increasingly invasive technology I find myself smothered by the onslaught of new communicative advancements like the relentless embrace of an insecure lover. I don’t need every aspect of my life digitized and made accessible to my top 8, the “network” and advertising focus groups. I don’t need to be accessible 24 hours a minute.

But fear not, this is no self-righteous rant about the necessity of resisting the future’s iron like grip at the other end of the tug of war of change. No, this article is to extol one of those rare new features of our modern age that seems to fit my life like an appropriately sized condom…
(keep reading!)

Podcasts. I know they’ve been around, I think I even ran one for a while, but I never believed in them. That is to say I never gave my life over to them. I never let them try and save me.

I have of late, I know not why, lost all desire to hang out with human beings. They are so dramatic, so complicated, so messy. But my iPod of uber hip indie rock and rap has proved a poor companion as I beat the streets of this, our fair city apple. Maslow’s pyramid tells me I need companionship and who am I to argue with a shape?

I have met some good folks in my life. We have walked and talked. We have gone for drinks and caught flicks. We have danced and dined and destroyed public property. But my friends, the people I hang out with, well they are so… finite. What you get is what you get. You can’t always trust that they’ll be funny and amazing. You can barely trust them at all.

Podcasts are perfect friend replacement. Now as I walk down the street, I am not burdened with pretending that I care about an acquaintance’s day at work. Instead I can relax my personality muscles as Garrison Keiller tells me what famous poet’s birthday it is, or I can wink knowingly as Rob Long relates another cynical tale of what it is like to be in “the biz.” From my NPR news up date to history according to Bob, podcasts keep me connected with the world I put headphones on to escape in the first place. The skeptics guide to the universe helps me see through the bullshit while Religion Talk gives me the strength to hope all the bullshit means something.

Sure it has made it more difficult to relate to people in the flesh. I have started referring to all Jewish people as Ira Glass and am constantly disappointed when they can’t provide poignant vignettes. My friends were always bad with silent G’s. I toss out opportunities for improv but instead of hearing Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me, I get Wait What The Hell Are you Talking About. I never have any real Car Talk. Never.

So I am spending more time in my room, in my office, in my head. That’s where the party is really happening anyway, and if you are a disembodied voice that updates to my Digital Audio Player on a regular basis, you don’t even have to RSVP, just come on in.

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An example of how to think like a millionaire:

A man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer. (more…)

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she’s tripping on lsd.

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How to hide Beer in the Office

ingenious :)  

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this is a link to the hovind cartoon video that was pulled from youtube (see previous post).

[you'll need to click 'Watch this Movie' on the right-hand side].

Here’s Chrisboe4ever (the co-creator of the cartoon)’s response to them taking down his video:

Here’s another funny one: Ali-G (the actor that played Borat) interviewing Kent Hovind with others, accuses Kent Hovind of “leaving a floater” in the backstage restroom and not flushing it- hilarious.

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What if Jesus were to take on Moses, or even fight his own mother, Mary? How ’bouts playin’ a game where you have to steal big-eyed orphans and throw’em in a big bag over your shoulder, occasionally eating a couple when you’re hungry? Dreading that sales meeting coming up in 5 minutes? Kill yourself, if you can.

Welcome to the three coolest flash games online: Bible Fight, Orphan Feast, and 5 Minutes to kill Yourself. Each are instant classics in their own righ, and are hilariously entertaining.

enjoy.

game

Orphan Feast

Orphans in Victorian London tasted good. Not like the orphans you get these days.

game

5 Minutes To Kill (Yourself)

Stick it to the Man by sticking it to yourself. You’ve got a microwave, scissors, some office supplies, a giant shark…and five minutes.

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  • Pretty funny video (see below).
  • Even more entertaining is LogicallyCritical’s take on Bible stories. Definitely check it out! LogicallyCritical is now one of my favorite podcasts.
  • Funny article on the numbers in the Bible (print this out and stick it in your quad or scriptures!)

Here’s the creation story and Adam & Eve’s story below:

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Apple’s New iPhone

Apple is set to release the much-hyped iPhone Friday, June 29. Here are some of its most highly anticipated features:

  • Apple's New iPhoneNanotechnology enables it to reassemble itself when thrown against wall

  • Exclusive link to Google Street View so you can watch yourself using your iPhone at all times

  • Takes Polaroids

  • When moved from hand to ear, makes Lightsaber sound effects

  • Prominent Apple logo

  • Reproduces through asexual budding

  • Has way, way more PRAM than the last thingy

  • Comes with an iPhone hat, so people know you own an iPhone during the brief periods you’re not using it

via the Onion

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We are pattern-seeking animals and here are some great examples in Pareidolia (where one sees familiar objects in random natural objects). Pretty funny stuff. (see also: Part two- Logos, and Part three- advertisements)

1 (more…)

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We are pattern-seeking animals and here are some great examples in Pareidolia (where one sees familiar objects in random natural objects). Pretty funny stuff. (see also: Part One- Nature, and Part three- advertisements)

A Dental Clinic in Latin America
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We are pattern-seeking animals and here are some great examples in Pareidolia (where one sees familiar objects in random natural objects). Pretty funny stuff. (also: Part one- nature, Part two- Logos)

275153441_2985aba960_o (more…)

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